its funny how life decides that finals week is the perfect time to add more stress in my life, through guy and girl friendships. and i only have four full days up here...and now is the time that i get bombarded with it. partially due to my stupidity and partially due to the very fact that i'm leaving. why now? God is pretty much doing this and telling me...
"Trust Me carrie, trust Me in every area of your life right now...not just the academic part."
and i'm the one saying, "why now...why can't you teach me this lesson next week?? why this one?"
"Because I know better than you. Plus, you can get through this week, with My strength. I am always with you. I enjoy being with you, and I will quiet you with My perfect love."
"But I've already messed up today...taking a situation into my own hands and trying to be on top of it all...and failing miserably. being humbled....not fun. and this is all just today...the beginning of the week! how will i get through to the end?!"
"Yes you did mess up because you were trying. Once you let me help you through it, you felt better right?"
"yeah...i guess."
"you guess?"
"yes. i do feel better. but how can i mess up so quickly?"
"Well--"
"Never mind...don't answer that question..."
"Carrie, I know you better than anyone and I can tell you that you will get through alright. Trust Me. thats all I ask of you."
"Ok Lord...I give You control of this week, my three exams, my summer, and my friendships. But I can't promise I won't try to take them back...because my faith is so fragile--"
"Thats ok, I didn't ask for you to promise...I want to you trust Me. I love you carrie, and have created plans uniquely for you. Plans for well-being and not for misery, to give you a future and a hope. Rest in that promise."

more thoughts....

its weird how songs can bring back memories....i'm listening to Linkin Park and this one song really reminds me of my old guy friends. at the time it was the beginning of the split in our group. we were outside of the Cypress Springs clubhouse and they played the song to 'tell' us something...like that guy vs. girl thing. "despite how you were mocking me...acting like i was part of your property.remembering all the times you've fought with me. i'm suprised it got so far. things aren't the way they were before. you wouldn't even recognize me anymore. not that you knew me back then. but it all comes back to me. in the end you kept everything inside, and even though i tried it all fell apart. what it meant to me will eventually become a memory of a time" "i tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter. I had to fall to loose it all. but in the end it doesn't even matter. I've put my trust in you...pushed as far as i can go...for all this, there's only one thing you should know..." at the time us girls were thinking "oh brother" and we could turn it around to them...but now its one of those memories you don't want to forget. its crazy how that works. i mean you can feel the tension in the song echoing the tension in our group at the time...but now i miss it. i miss having that be my world...that be my problem. now i just sit. usually in front of my computer....looking outside realizing that i'm growing up and having to learn things for my job....realizing that friends i make here are going to be the ones i call when i'm thirty years old.
but this is usually what happens when i let myself think too much late at night. so i'll stop. anyways...thats a glimpse into carrie's head.

i miss having a group of people to hang out with...guys/girls who i just love being with....its lonely seeing all the different groups that are on campus. i went to the coffee shop the other day...i think i mentioned this in another blog. i walked in there and there was just a group of people chatting together...old friends. and i got my coffee and sat alone...then went outside and watched another group of people just having fun. its frustrating starting over. i had forgotten how time plays into friendships and groups. i forgot how freshman year in highschool i was completely boy-less and wanting guy friends...but scared of them. and sophomore year i really wanted guy-friends...but they were all older than me...so we started praying for them. and junior year was perfect. senior year was cool too. now freshman again. new place. new people. no energy to pray for new guys. you miss old memories...friends....places...times. but this year has gone by...really quickly....and i still feel like i haven't gotten anywhere. the guys i did meet have their own groups too. obviously because they've been here longer than me. but i just feel like i missed out on the group thats just for me. or how do i find it? these are just questions to send off into the void...not expecting any answer. just to get them off my mind...

I loved rain. It calms me down. Partly because it reminds me of my childhood...and most childhood memories cause a strange sense of peace or just contentment while you remember that specific memory. I'm just sitting here watching it fall in straight lines down to the earth...and watching the rain drops race each other down the window. i love it when the sun comes peaking out of the clouds and makes the wet pine needles shine with a golden light. Its so pretty. And mesmerizing...i have a hard time taking my eyes off it. The way the light bounces of the droplets of water hanging on the pine needles...the way the tree just sort of glows is so cool. It makes me smile. But now the sun has gone and the rain has stopped...its back to the gray tones of a cloudy day. But that brief rain shower has encouraged me...and for some reason...today was a strange one. I feel like I'm in a place in my life where I want to just think about things in my life...nothing in particular...but maybe just make time to just sit and think about life. But i feel like i constantly have to move...against my will. Constantly doing...when all i want to do is think. Sounds weird...but maybe this summer i'll be able to go somewhere (since i'll have a car) and just sit and enjoy just being alive...as opposed to constant activity. i almost feel like my need for solitude has grown since i came to college...which is sort of funny...because in the beginning i felt alone...and hated it. Now i want to be alone...but in a different way. There were times in high school where i knew i needed alone time...but i got it when i was in my room...and it wasn't a strong need in my eyes. Now it seems to be. Maybe its because i had time to think during my job in high school...and i talked deeply with many of my good friends...here i feel like there is no time to really go in-depth with my close friends...like i desire to...of course this could also have to do with my spiritual life. Which i think parallels my need for solitude. i know i need time to be still before God. To sit in His presence and rest in His love for me...but like the stupid person i am...it is a very frightening thought. i mean...what would the God of the Universe have to tell me...or would He even speak? To be completely silent before Him...my fear would be that all i would get would be awkwardness. Just like the feeling you get when you’re not completely comfortable with someone or you don’t know the person well enough and you have nothing to say…and then you both just sit there.

But on a lighter note...I saw the funniest thing today. :) Three guys (one of which i realized i knew) were playing skateboard ball. now you may ask..."Carrie, what is skateboard ball?" well its a made up game that only college guys would come up with! hahaha. they used a skateboard as a bat...and a hackie-sack as the ball. and basically played three man baseball. and counted runs on their fingers. i think the funniest part about it was the fact that they acted so seriously about it and were pointing to the different places they would hit the ball. hahaha. and the guy that i knew would leap up into the air and catch the ball in all these weird positions...it was great. at one point...the hitter missed the ball and said "i'm retiring..." haha! college guys can be so entertaining sometimes...especially when I had no clue what i was going to do for an hour (because my teacher canceled class! woohoo!) while i waited for my math class. they provided a great distraction while i waited. college life can be so fun sometimes...i've seen guys play tennis golf (same as golf except no holes and using tennis balls), frisbee golf...and now skateboard ball! hahaha its so great. :) and today three guys and their creativity encouraged me! thank you guys!

ok what is the deal with my magnetism for school buses?!? I see them EVERYWHERE!!! I'm being serious. and sometimes they shouldn't even be out on the road. Like during the day for example...when everyone should be in school...i see them. empty. its really creepy. My family and some of my friends are noticing how often they appear when i am around. For example...on this one road trip my family was on, i hadn't seen a school bus yet that day...so i was thinking i was in the clear. oh no. we saw a school bus being towed. yes. towed. it was broken down and being towed on a highway...a highway! what is that about? it was old and rusty looking...but it was being towed on a highway. and i saw it. my dad was laughing so hard and sped up to get a closer look. that is how bad it is! then another time, another road trip...i saw a school bus that was in pieces on the side of the road in a junk yard!? who sees that?!? come on! its insane.

Today while Laura and I were traveling to Orlando, I expected and was awaiting my school bus siting. well not only did i see ONE school bus, but a whole HERD of them.....four or five of them were driving together down the road in the opposite direction. even laura said that was too much! only me...only me! there is no way other people see as many school buses as I do. its a curse.

Today Beebs and I went to a new restaurant for dinner. It had been recommended to us by one of our sisters, and so we decided to try it out..since dinner at the house today was really gross. anyways...this place was totally awesome! :) It specializes in stir-fry...and most of you know how i feel about that! woohoo! ;) but anyways, they have great food! Besides the main meal, you also get a free chocolate candy for dessert (which was such a nice treat for a chocolate lover like myself), and the pleasure of reading some of the most random quotes on the wall! I decided to write down a few, so that those of you who don't live in the wonderful city of Tally, can join in on these fun little sayings.

-Heck Yeah. We make tastebuds really shine. But our bathrooms sparkle. (guess where this was hanging? yup right outside the bathrooms)

-Always read stuff that make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

-Good enough to slap a bear in the face for. (my personal fave! hahahaha)

-Did you close your garage door? (next to the entrance)

-We clean the table. You get on with your life. (next to the cashier and soda machine)

I was excited that we had tried out a Tally-original....it seems like the kind of place that the Food Network people would find! It was fun. A definite after-church possibility in my mind. :) And I think I can speak for Beebs on this one that we both totally enjoyed ourselves!

There are so many fun people in this world....the ones that I have particularly enjoyed lately have been the peeps in the GiFi family in Phi Mu. They are so great! :) Today I was hanging out with three of them and helping them make a sign for Nicole (one of my sisters who is coming home tonight from a trip). Now Nicole has a goldfish...and being the random person that she is, she named it Goldy Tinyrificus Maristani. So Lucia (her big sis) decides that the poster that is welcoming her home should be from Tinyrificus. Tippy (her twin) decides that it should say "Welcome Home Mom! love, Tinyrificus" that is so great! I love hanging out with them! They make me laugh all the time! imagine your goldfish making a sign for you! hahahaha. its really hilarious if you think about it long enough!

I was walking to my history class today and I laughed at a shirt this guy was wearing that said "Slackers Unite! Tomorrow." hahahaha. i still think its funny! its so perfect! Hey that reminds me...janna...i still think we should make shirts for our club CPSA (Car-less Peoples of America).

I never thought that face painting could be so painful! But i guess when you sit in a little-person's chair for five hours, with no breaks...it would cause some damage to your body. It was weird to stand up after such a long time and find that my legs had a hard time remembering how to walk properly. plus, it was a weird experience anyway because some of these kids wanted the strangest things on their faces! whatever happened to wanting simple hearts, stars, flowers, butterflies?? now kids want dolphins, USA flags, confederate flags, dogs, penguins, Sponge Bob...and even a muffin! (ask beebs about that one! hahaha) strange country i live in...

Oh and can i just say that i really dislike old tatoos. those things refused to come off onto the kids skin!! i had to practically squeeze their face to get it to stick! it was funny, cause i would try to ask them questions while i was rubbing the water on the tatoo...and sometimes they would answer (kids are very shy...espeically those in first grade!)...then i couldn't talk to them anymore as i held their head...cause they couldn't move their mouth very well! I felt so bad for them! but that was the only way i could get those stupid things to work!

Well this morning at 2:00am I finished my English paper...which means that I HAVE NO MORE PAPERS TO WRITE UNTIL THE FALL!!! WOOHOOO!!! I am free for one whole week to laze around and do nothing!! oh this is soooo going to be fun! heehee. :)
-Word to the Wise: remember that cement and skin don't mix. so when you trip and fall on your right hand, left knee, and your right toe and shin scrape on the cement steps, they won't turn out pretty! muchos amounts of blood gush out of your toe and start sticking to your flip-flops. and that the scrape on your knee causes your pants to scuff...and your shin is just in pain from the scrape the cement caused it, and of course your hand is in pain because you burned off a layer of skin so basically nerves are being exposed. so yeah, if you're ever wondering about whether cement is a good place to fall...just remember this note. oh and carry around bandaids...because teachers in college don't have them and it takes awhile for receptionists to find them. they also get quite queazy when they see your toe all bloody on your flip-flop. oh and make sure you can get to a bathroom quick to clean yourself up. its a good thing my english class was let out early today...otherwise i'd be in History class watching my flip-flop getting darker and darker from the blood stain. thank you Lord for watching out for me! anyways...i have to go to history now.

-just wanted to mention that I have exactly ten more days of school until finals week. Summer here I come!!! muchos amounts of money making and lazy-days up ahead. Carrie can hardly wait! no more finals...no more papers! oh the joy! oh the bliss! k...now its time to focus till then. pray for me.
*by the way, just for your information, there are 37 more thursdays till Christmas. :) *

Fun Facts about my Wednesday:
- I ate the weirdest cookie! It was an oreo-type cookie (ya know the cookies that are basically oreos except they aren't name brand) except in the cream filling were pop-rocks! as you would guess a very strange sensation occurred after taking a bite! and as usual the cookie was passed to two of my friends who had to join me in the strange adventure my mouth was experiencing. Ginger (my big sis in Phi Mu) gave one to me and said they were called Rocket something-or-others. my memory is slowly failing me. but if you ever see them in the store...try it, it is an experience you won't forget. look out cookie world here comes the future!
-well this one has to do with yesterday...i had gotten up early (7:55) to register for classes for the Fall semester...and then after that was finished i went to bed. Usually i set my alarm for noon knowing i won't sleep that long...but just in case by some bizarre way i happen to sleep till then, i won't sleep past noon. which would just ruin the whole day thing...cause when i wake up in the middle of the afternoon it just messes with my system. anyways...i went back to sleep and i actually woke up to my alarm!! Why am I so tired?? its not like i'm staying up incredibly late or anything. oh well. one of the many questions i ask myself.
-Today my cute yellow-duck umbrella served as a useful tool. When it is properly wrapped up and you press the little button near the handle, it shoots out like a sword! It was so fun to play with! hehehe. It helped me emphasize points I was trying to make talking to my friend Zandy. I bugged Beeber constantly with it by touché-ing her back! Carrie Strikes again!!!! wahaha! I definitely destroyed a plant I was standing next to...the thing was massacred! (ok..ok...a little exaggerated) I also used it to point at things! much laughter was heard from my friends...aside from Beeber who tried to flick me in revenge! too bad beebs...you don't have the coolness of the duck-umbrella! oh wait...you do...a periwinkle one...but wait...you left your weapon at home...so sad! hehehehe. ;)
-this fact is definitely not fun. Katie and I had to endure another math class....you have no idea how l--o--n--g it seems. She and I think we enter a time-warp and then some how get out of it at 4:50 every monday and wednesday. It must be 4:00 at least for ten minutes...in that class. and one minute must seriously be around 3 minutes each. so the hour and fifteen minute class in reality is...three hours and forty five minutes long. see why we dislike being there so much! i mean who wants to be in one class for over three hours??? yeah thats what i thought.

A depressing thing happened today. I found out that my favorite english professor will not be returning in the Fall. :( I had been hoping to take another class of his, but now it isn't possible. I really did enjoy him. He was the first professor that I actually talked to after class because I was interested in the material and wanted to continue talking on topics we were discussing in class...like college students do in the movies. sadness. why does he have to leave? CJ (a guy in my class) and I are highly disappointed. We had hoped to follow him through our majors (both English Ed.). Both of us had a routine of chatting with Dr. Martin after class in the stairwell...that was the place we usually ended up, and afterwards we all go our separate ways. Usually with me speed walking to my next class that is on the other side of campus with only ten minutes to do it!! CJ and I were also some of the ones that participated in class and joked around with him. We talked about random things too...like his former days in college, and even one time we talked about a student who had written on his SUSAI form in big bold letters that "YOU ARE NOT FUNNY." of course we laughed about that...and agreed that you have to have a sense of humor when you are reading about American Literature. hahaha. Another time he talked about one of his senior level classes and how they were constantly devising ways of distracting him--he conceded that it worked because...the later the day, the more he goes off topic. Then he said that in another class he had that was mostly made up of females, one of them started talking about weddings, and the class began to talk furiously...he ended up entering into the conversation and adding to it. of course we talked about it in our stairway chat room and decided that people who get married young are very brave and that none of us could handle it! (don't worry leah and michelle....i am sincerely happy for you both! I can't wait to see/be in your weddings.) :)

I guess this is just one of the ways God had blessed me this year...I hope that there are professors in my future that are just as fun and exciting to talk to...so farewell Dr. Martin! Hope you find fun students to talk to in Missouri and a good school that pays you well! Make sure and find some hay to stick in your mouth and some overalls to wear when you teach! ;)

My mom and I were talking about this book she is reading ( "People of The Lie" by M. Scott Peck). Its about his study on human evil. She was telling me how the motivation of evil people (aka. Hilter, Saddam) is all self-focused. if you think about it, all sin is self-focused. all of it. and those seven deadly sins, the main motivation is pride. Mom told me that Peck describes Satan as being the ultimate narcissist, totally self absorbed, cares nothing about anyone but himself. So of course sin in us would be the same way. its so weird to think that my flesh is constantly self-focused. and everything that it wants to do its motivation is pride. no wonder its hard for Christans to give up their reputations to God....because our reputation is not what we should be focused on, we are not showing ourselves, we are showing God's reputation, and we are supposed to be protecting His reputation. It goes against the very grain of our flesh.
Its so strange how opposite Satan is from God. In the book, Peck talked about how Jesus is the Christ, telling people to love each other, God the Father is creative, the Holy Spirit comforts and intercedes for us. Satan is the AntiChrist, loves only himself, and is purely destructive, opposing human life and growth. its scary how evil he is. i know personally i forget how evil he truly is....and how sick his plans are for people. war to me is a picture of it. i was sitting in my room last night and my mom told me a story that had happened recently in Iraq (It was after the suicide bombing had killed those soldiers). The soldiers were told to shoot any person who didn't stop when asked to stop going through a check point. a family in a van (about 11 of them) had gotten through one checkpoint and were trying to flee the city that was being bombed. so they went through one check point and thought they didn't have to stop anymore. the soldiers tried to get them to stop but they didn't understand what was going on or the new rules, and they were gunned down. ten people died in that van. mom said that when the news interviewed the woman that survived (who was pregnant) she said that she watched her children (about 3-5 years old) get their heads get blown off their bodies...and that she didn't want to have this baby, because she feels nothing emotionally. i just started crying about it...war is sooo evil. this poor woman now has no family and has to live the rest of her life with the picture of how they died. the soldiers who tried to stop them have to live knowing that if they had waited maybe one more second, or tried to stop them one more time, they could have prevented killing a family that was just trying to get away from the bombing...and who weren't suicide bombers. war is too backwards...it is sick. people have to make choices that they shouldn't ever have to make.
soldiers are going to come back with images in their heads that no one will be able to relate to....they will have culture shock in a way...their old friends won't understand that part of their life. i can't imagine how it would be to come home and after just killing people have hundreds of people come up to you saying you are a hero...
But i have to remember that God is in it somehow....even though humans are sick beings...God doesn't leave us. He is here, heartbroken, but here...and He will triumph over evil.

well i think i might have put in a place for comments...lets see if it works...oh good it worked. and i think the comments are above each entry...but i'm sure i can figure out which ones are commented on! hahaha.

Today would have to be summed up as a great day. :) I realized a lot of things....learned a lot too! The day started out with a revelation about myself...I realized that I am a modern-day Israelite. This morning I was reading Nehemiah 9: 9-31. It was a song of praise to God by the Israelites....and as I read it I realized how my life paralleled their journey through the wilderness. God showed them wonders like they've never seen before...He saved them from an oppressive king. But once they got to the wilderness they complained and complained...."we have no food", so God sent them manna. then it was "we have no water." God provided water through a rock. then it became "we are tired of manna we want something else...." so He provided quail. then they followed Him and loved Him for awhile...until they were dis-satisfied and turned to idols and earthy men. So God let them and saw them go through the consequences for their choices....death, disease, pain. And the Israelites cried out to God for help....amazingly enough He chose to hear them and come and rescue them from themselves basically. It amazes me so much how many times God does that over and over and over again in the Old Testiment.
Well that picture is the same as my life....God shows up in my life in a huge way, I am in love with Him, I feel His presence. I delight in being a child of His. then as the feelings fade and i walk along through life...the complaining starts...."Ugh. i don't like how You are making me do this...or go through this." just like a spoiled brat. So God shows me a glimpse of His love for me. then it becomes "why can't I have that over there...like she/he has...." or "I'm tired of being here...i don't want to try anymore. i can't see down the road of my life so it must be bad." then God shows me part of His plan for my life...and I rejoice. then my eyes begin to look towards myself and my own world...instead of looking up to see God and see eternal perspective. I begin to turn to idols in my life....friends, school, apathy, family, activity, tv. telling God that I am fully capable of doing things on my own and I'm in control and its all going to be ok. like the prodical son i run away...and God watches me with sadness but lets me go. Then the consequences set in and in my distress i call out to Him and come crawling back bruised and broken. In His grace He helps me up and walks with me the rest of the way home. Sadly I wish i could stay leaning on Him letting Him lead the way...but no, my flesh doesn't like that idea and the cycle starts again. Thank you Lord for being gracious and forgiving.

anyways....this is what i learned about myself today. so i prayed that God would show me Himself all day...and it was awesome! I had the best mood, the day was perfect weather wise! I got an A on my biology test when i took it a second time. :) :) :) and I felt sooooooo good about my middle-eastern history test i took today. God is good.

oooh! i'm going to be really random now. there were a few interesting things that happened to me today:

1. I ate a chocolate chocolate-chip cookie ice-cream sandwich. oh the yummy-ness of that treat! ;) although the only problem that i found with it was that once you finished it, you were full and felt full for an incredibly long period of time...not a very fun thing for someone like me who loves to eat constantly. but it was an experience worth trying! :)
2. I went tanning on Landis Green. this my friends was the first real college experience i have had yet! I was like those college girls in the movies who lay out on big grassy areas tanning! It was so great! Katie and I were laying there skipping class (teehee) and as jonathan lipps put it "letting the sun kiss us."
3. I had a frisbee thrown over my head while I was tanning. Katie and I were just laying there all nice soaking in the rays...when a bunch of Kappa Sig guys decided it was the pefect spot to throw a frisbee! so yeah there were a couple times where it almost hit our heads. scary stuff if you ask me! ;)
4. I thought I had lost my purple sunglasses...i had left them in the testing center when i took my bio test. poor things had to stay in there all alone! tsk tsk. i seem to be loosing a lot of things lately...hmmm....

well thats all i can think of to say...i have really enjoyed this day. now time to do stupid math practice quizes. oh and how the fun will begin.

OH MY GOSH! THE FUNNIEST THING HAPPENED TODAY! Katie and I were talking to eachother online and I needed to use a smiley face...so I increased the size of it so that it was gigantic! anyways...then we both saw our friend come on line (this friend's name will remain nameless, thus protected from the laughter that will follow if people knew this friend's identity) and decided that it was time to throw on our coats of weirdness and attack our friend....and then insued the Great Smiley Face Invasion.

yes i know....very terrifying. But alas...this poor friend was not able to surpass our weirdness....nor even come close to equaling our weirdness...no this friend merely gave us a boring response. But we were not daunted...no....but continued on, ever challenging the weirdness level and our friend's level of gullibility. katie and i were both trying to think of a creative way for me to end my conversation with our friend because i admit...i am lacking in the creativity at times...and katie came up with a clever little diddy....she said, to our friend for me: "a bird just flew through Carrie's window and shattered the glass. It's lying on her floor. She has to go clean up the mess now." meanwhile i had already said my boring goodbye when all of a sudden my friend quickly IMed me saying: "A bird just flew through your window?!?" (at this point in the conversation i would like to point out that katie and i quickly stopped talking over IM and i called her room right away in a fit of laughter over what had just occurred)

SIDE NOTE: Both Katie and I would like to say that we never intentionally meant for our friend to believe what we said....it was supposed to be one of those--ha ha ha...you guys are weird--kind of things.

anyways back to the story so i decide to further this imaginary incident even further to see if our friend would continue to believe our story...and said:"yeah it did. Its really gross." (there ya go...a perfect example of my lack of creativity) well our friend believed me. but i soon realized that it was 11:59pm....STILL APRIL FOOLS DAY!! we had a way out of this! so i quickly told Katie over the phone and IMed our friend and told our friend that it was an April Fools joke. of course our friend was shocked and then quickly gave us the response we had wanted and laughed at us and our strange behavior....needless to say katie and i have build rock hard abs over this whole incident from the muchos amounts of laughter. :) I have to say...for the record, this has been the best April Fools Joke in my entire existence! hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I am craving one of the little joys of life....chocolate-chip cookie ice-cream sandwiches. yummy. They are the perfect balance of chocolate and vanilla ice-cream! I think when i get older i'll have to have lots of these in my freezer....they are becoming a must in Carrie's life. Isn't it funny how certain foods can make all your cares disappear? Here I am stressed about my history and biology test tomorrow and all I can really think about is that ice-cream sandwich! My day will not be complete without one! But one of my horrifying thoughts is that they won't be at the little store on campus....this has happened to me before....it was a very sad day indeed....let us hope that for my sake I will find them safe and sound in their cold beds....and at least one of them waiting for me to release it from its packaging and show the outside world to it! oh the joy that will abound in my soul! ok...so i get carried away. yes i know its just icecream...well gotta go get one now...you didn't think i would just write about one and not get one did you?? ;)

Word to the Wise: Don't click on my archive links...they don't work. They take you to another person's site but it has my blogs on it...strange. anyone know how to fix that??