My heart is heavy and emotions are running free tonight as I write this blog. They will be speaking so that my mind can make sense of this mess I've created in myself. Change is happening and will be happening very soon in my life and every day that passes I realize how much I hate it. The people who I have spent most of my seven years here in the States are leaving my life...and its sucks...really badly. I took them for granted and now am getting hit with the fact that I won't have them around to cheer me up or have the stability of knowing that I will see them when I come home. That scares me sooo bad it hurts. It never feels great being left behind...with all the spots around town that are full of memories and little parts of my life. I probably have put way too much of myself into my friendships and now am reaping the consequences of that; but I never would have experienced the awesome times if I hadn't.
How do I deal with this deep ache inside me? Does anyone else feel it? See it? Fear it? Does change bring a shudder to their soul? Where is my faith in all of this? Why am I so defeated by this that even my faith in God leading me into the unknown makes me feel like my life is ending? I never saw myself as someone who gets rocked so hard when change enters their life. This fear of it has only come about once I started college. The break from high school to college was hard for me. And I guess because things that I knew were stable in my life then are coming undone now, so it brings all the emotion back. I'm sure if I dug deep enough I would find that ultimately I do not believe one of God's promises.
I fear digging that deep. I am afraid that if I do that, grieving for something I lost, I might really struggle to get back up. Which is so weird for me to think about...carrie being slightly depressed?? Maybe a year of being by myself has not been as good as I thought. No, it has. I know this is something I need to let God work on in my life. I am just scared to take the next step...it's like once I do, that chapter in my life will finally be closed ending seven years of friendships. And then what? I have nothing after that...and in the deepest part of me I fear that God wants me to go to that place...and place of complete emptiness, that the only thing I have left in my life is Him. Forcing me to finally fully rely on Him. Do I really need to go that far? Is there another way? I search...but probably in vain.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Zellwood Corn Festival
The Zellwood Corn Festival. That is where I have been for the past 5 hours. 2 of those hours were spent on the road. It took us 1 hr & 15 mins to drive to the place...and then 45 mins to get home! ha! We beat the crowd that time! But man...what an experience. Who knew that Orlando would have a corn festival?! I would never have picked Orlando to be a place that grows corn, but the corn was actually pretty good! I also didn't think this festival would be as popular as it was, but there were about 7,000 people there! Chris Rice and Mark Lowry were there too! When my parents asked if I wanted to go, there were 4 things that went through my head.
1. Funnel Cake--need I say more? I mean who wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity to ingest six months worth of grease and sugar in one sitting?
2. People watching--my favorite sport! ;)
3. A great event to blog about! --yes it is sad when your mind starts seeing things through blog entrees...but I like to call it my "creative-writing side" taking over!
4. A way to see a 'free' concert by Chris Rice! --it was pretty basic, but hey, I saw him live, and that's all that matters! I enjoyed his concert quite a bit. :)
I did have funnel cake(objective #1), my sis and I shared a plate-full. It would disgust me if I were to think about what I ate...which is why I decide not to. But the real story was while I was in-line for the funnel cake. I had to have been in that line for sixteen days, it took forever...ok maybe 40 minutes. But seriously, who decided to put ONE worker back there to serve and make the funnel cakes & hotdogs?! Zellwood did!! So I stood in line for forty minutes. But within that time-span I did quite a bit of people watching (objective #2). First, there was the man behind me who kept making his two elementary-aged daughters stand in line for him while he "checked on something." Then by the time I was 5 people from the front he miraculously ended up IN FRONT of me?! How did this happen? I don't know...but it was definitely weird when I first noticed it. He even looked back at me and smiled like it was normal he was in front of me after waiting in line thirty minutes behind me.
But if he hadn't have done that then I would never have talked to the lady behind me. She was weird too, she kept overhearing people's conversations and either repeating everything she saw to her husband who had perfectly good eye sight or making her own comments like they could hear her. At one point she noticed the interaction between the guy who kept leaving his kids and his youngest daughter. I guess she was about to throw away her lemonade and her dad told her he wanted it. Well this lady comments to her husband, who, I might add, saw the whole thing, "He doesn't want her to throw away the lemonade, he seems to want it himself." Why she felt the need to say this, I do not know. While I was finally buying the five hotdogs for my family she says to me in a sweet high-pitched voice, "don't buy all the hotdogs! (laughter)" there were seriously like eighteen hotdogs on the grill...why would I buy that many?
What was even funnier was the guy behind the booth...he must have been a Zellwood local. He had quite the belly and decided to take a little smoking break, once I got to the front of the line, of course. Another interesting quirk of his was his way of checking to see if the hotdogs were done. He would take his tongs and rip off a piece of the hotdog and eat it. Yes right in front of us. He did that and then, satisfied with the temperature or whatever, started to serve me the five hotdogs! hahaha it was the funniest, most un-sanitary thing I have ever seen at a carnival! When he did it to the lady behind me she made another dumb comment..something like "I saw that! (laughter)" He just stared at her.
*Well there was so much more that happened, but I must end it here. Maybe I'll blog a part 2 later!* Meanwhile, enjoy these pictures of the Zellwood Corn Festival! The first one is a poster of the event, and the second one was actually on stage and yes, that is a husk of corn with legs.
1. Funnel Cake--need I say more? I mean who wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity to ingest six months worth of grease and sugar in one sitting?
2. People watching--my favorite sport! ;)
3. A great event to blog about! --yes it is sad when your mind starts seeing things through blog entrees...but I like to call it my "creative-writing side" taking over!
4. A way to see a 'free' concert by Chris Rice! --it was pretty basic, but hey, I saw him live, and that's all that matters! I enjoyed his concert quite a bit. :)
I did have funnel cake(objective #1), my sis and I shared a plate-full. It would disgust me if I were to think about what I ate...which is why I decide not to. But the real story was while I was in-line for the funnel cake. I had to have been in that line for sixteen days, it took forever...ok maybe 40 minutes. But seriously, who decided to put ONE worker back there to serve and make the funnel cakes & hotdogs?! Zellwood did!! So I stood in line for forty minutes. But within that time-span I did quite a bit of people watching (objective #2). First, there was the man behind me who kept making his two elementary-aged daughters stand in line for him while he "checked on something." Then by the time I was 5 people from the front he miraculously ended up IN FRONT of me?! How did this happen? I don't know...but it was definitely weird when I first noticed it. He even looked back at me and smiled like it was normal he was in front of me after waiting in line thirty minutes behind me.
But if he hadn't have done that then I would never have talked to the lady behind me. She was weird too, she kept overhearing people's conversations and either repeating everything she saw to her husband who had perfectly good eye sight or making her own comments like they could hear her. At one point she noticed the interaction between the guy who kept leaving his kids and his youngest daughter. I guess she was about to throw away her lemonade and her dad told her he wanted it. Well this lady comments to her husband, who, I might add, saw the whole thing, "He doesn't want her to throw away the lemonade, he seems to want it himself." Why she felt the need to say this, I do not know. While I was finally buying the five hotdogs for my family she says to me in a sweet high-pitched voice, "don't buy all the hotdogs! (laughter)" there were seriously like eighteen hotdogs on the grill...why would I buy that many?
What was even funnier was the guy behind the booth...he must have been a Zellwood local. He had quite the belly and decided to take a little smoking break, once I got to the front of the line, of course. Another interesting quirk of his was his way of checking to see if the hotdogs were done. He would take his tongs and rip off a piece of the hotdog and eat it. Yes right in front of us. He did that and then, satisfied with the temperature or whatever, started to serve me the five hotdogs! hahaha it was the funniest, most un-sanitary thing I have ever seen at a carnival! When he did it to the lady behind me she made another dumb comment..something like "I saw that! (laughter)" He just stared at her.
*Well there was so much more that happened, but I must end it here. Maybe I'll blog a part 2 later!* Meanwhile, enjoy these pictures of the Zellwood Corn Festival! The first one is a poster of the event, and the second one was actually on stage and yes, that is a husk of corn with legs.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Crazy forecasts
Random facts my dad and I found on the internet:
-The hottest recorded temperature was 136°F in El Azizia, Libya (Africa) on September 13, 1922.
-The longest hot spell was in Marble Bar, W. Australia. It was 100°F for 162 consecutive days from Oct. 30, 1923 to Apr. 7, 1924.
-The coldest recorded temperature was -129°F in Vostok, Antarctica on July 21, 1983.
-The average temperature for the hottest month in Antarctica is -25.7°F.
-The hottest it has gotten in Iraq is 124°F. Today the high in Baghdad is expected to be 105°F!
* All I can say is that I am VERY thankful to be in 50-85°F degree weather most of the year!
-The hottest recorded temperature was 136°F in El Azizia, Libya (Africa) on September 13, 1922.
-The longest hot spell was in Marble Bar, W. Australia. It was 100°F for 162 consecutive days from Oct. 30, 1923 to Apr. 7, 1924.
-The coldest recorded temperature was -129°F in Vostok, Antarctica on July 21, 1983.
-The average temperature for the hottest month in Antarctica is -25.7°F.
-The hottest it has gotten in Iraq is 124°F. Today the high in Baghdad is expected to be 105°F!
* All I can say is that I am VERY thankful to be in 50-85°F degree weather most of the year!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Guys...don't understand them one bit
So my brother was just kidnapped by his Bible study...yeah. Kidnapped right out of his bed and thrown into a weird looking van. How do I know this? Because my room is directly next to his and I heard tons of banging, voices, random calls of "ouch." So I did what anyone in their right mind would have done, and checked outside my room to see if my brother was ok. Well what do I see? A video camera held by one of the leaders of SV, and two guys I guess duct taping my brother!? I don't think I will ever fully understand the male race...whatever. I just had to comment about this experience I just witnessed.
**Oh and by the way...there are 30 more Saturdays until Christmas.** :D
**Oh and by the way...there are 30 more Saturdays until Christmas.** :D
Saturday, May 22, 2004
The call to travel
It's funny how the sun can wipe you out even after only four hours of work. I don't really feel like doing anything at the moment. If it was cooler outside I would sit and watch the world go by...maybe people-watch for a bit, which is one of my favorite things to do. It's fun to watch people talk,too, because everyone has a unique way of animating what they are telling someone. Some of my friends are very animated and use their hands while they talk, which can be dangerous to the person listening! ;) Others use their face, which can be hilarious.
But since the weather isn't exactly cool, I've done more thinking inside with the air-con. Reflecting on my life can have good and bad affects, I've noticed. I realize things that I am not doing, especially in the God area, and realize things that God has done in my life. But lately, it's been more of a wake-up call to myself about how poorly I've been spending time with my Father. I spend time with Him, but do not let myself go deeper...which is when my soul is refreshed. I guess I'm just scared of what He might tell me, which is ridiculous because He knows what's best. But again, the cycle continues and it becomes a heart issue, and my head may understand the truth, but my heart chooses to ignore it. I feel as if I've planned my future out a little too much, not giving God enough room to show me His will. My plan is probably really pathetic compared to His for my life! So why can't I just cling to Him?
Another thing I've noticed lately is that I have a HUGE desire to travel. Due in part to many people around me either traveling themselves or talking about other countries. Which is sooo cool to hear about and to try and picture in my head...and then it ends up increasing my desire to get out of the States. Not that I'm hating it here in the States, but there are just times when I feel suffocated, wondering when my turn will be. Part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't traveled in seven years.
Once I left for college, it felt like a separation from my childhood--which was in my mind felt like a huge break with my years in the Philippines. That scares me in a way because it is such a huge part of who I am. Then other times I think that there is no way I could loose all the things I gained living overseas...there are just too many little things in my life that I do because of my experiences. One of which is reflecting! haha, which is ironic when I think about it.
I learned to get away from the world and just sit and sort of breathe when I first moved here to cope with the culture-shock and life in general. This process continues to this day, even though the culture-shock has diminished (not totally gone, because I believe it won't ever go completely) and I am sorta understanding the life I have now. It helps me trust God more with my life--because it helps me realize that I have no control. It's that eternal perspective that I need so badly so cope with a world full of sin. Of course all of this could just be over-analyzing the situation...but what are blogs for than to just write out what you are thinking and get it out of your head!
But since the weather isn't exactly cool, I've done more thinking inside with the air-con. Reflecting on my life can have good and bad affects, I've noticed. I realize things that I am not doing, especially in the God area, and realize things that God has done in my life. But lately, it's been more of a wake-up call to myself about how poorly I've been spending time with my Father. I spend time with Him, but do not let myself go deeper...which is when my soul is refreshed. I guess I'm just scared of what He might tell me, which is ridiculous because He knows what's best. But again, the cycle continues and it becomes a heart issue, and my head may understand the truth, but my heart chooses to ignore it. I feel as if I've planned my future out a little too much, not giving God enough room to show me His will. My plan is probably really pathetic compared to His for my life! So why can't I just cling to Him?
Another thing I've noticed lately is that I have a HUGE desire to travel. Due in part to many people around me either traveling themselves or talking about other countries. Which is sooo cool to hear about and to try and picture in my head...and then it ends up increasing my desire to get out of the States. Not that I'm hating it here in the States, but there are just times when I feel suffocated, wondering when my turn will be. Part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't traveled in seven years.
Once I left for college, it felt like a separation from my childhood--which was in my mind felt like a huge break with my years in the Philippines. That scares me in a way because it is such a huge part of who I am. Then other times I think that there is no way I could loose all the things I gained living overseas...there are just too many little things in my life that I do because of my experiences. One of which is reflecting! haha, which is ironic when I think about it.
I learned to get away from the world and just sit and sort of breathe when I first moved here to cope with the culture-shock and life in general. This process continues to this day, even though the culture-shock has diminished (not totally gone, because I believe it won't ever go completely) and I am sorta understanding the life I have now. It helps me trust God more with my life--because it helps me realize that I have no control. It's that eternal perspective that I need so badly so cope with a world full of sin. Of course all of this could just be over-analyzing the situation...but what are blogs for than to just write out what you are thinking and get it out of your head!
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Bowling Competition hitting rough patches
I just want to say that I really really really really really dislike the bowling game on Kurt's phone...and I'm not liking Sam too much either because he totally beat my high score on that stupid game. Yes I KNOW ALREADY...YOU GOT A 229, and there is NO WAY I can beat it. (according to him...but I have a plan of attack)
Ugh. Why does this happen? Sam starts up a competition and tells me that I will not beat him, and when I do, he has to make such a huge come back that I won't be able to win!! The phone lies...that's all there is to it...it lies and decides who it likes at the moment. Right now it happens to be Sam...sucks for me. Maybe if I stroke it or whisper nice things to it, it will start to like me and give me a 300!!! Now wouldn't that rock! Hehehehehe.
Plan of Attack:
Step 1: Make the phone like me.
Step 2: Play the game...get a score in the 230-300 range.
Step 3: Rub it Sam's face that I beat him to the ground!!!!!!
I'll keep you updated as our competition continues...
Ugh. Why does this happen? Sam starts up a competition and tells me that I will not beat him, and when I do, he has to make such a huge come back that I won't be able to win!! The phone lies...that's all there is to it...it lies and decides who it likes at the moment. Right now it happens to be Sam...sucks for me. Maybe if I stroke it or whisper nice things to it, it will start to like me and give me a 300!!! Now wouldn't that rock! Hehehehehe.
Plan of Attack:
Step 1: Make the phone like me.
Step 2: Play the game...get a score in the 230-300 range.
Step 3: Rub it Sam's face that I beat him to the ground!!!!!!
I'll keep you updated as our competition continues...
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Friday, May 14, 2004
New and Improved
Blogger has a new look...so I thought I would join them and change the look of my blog as well. I love this template! Blogger finally created comments for its users and hopefully they work on my site! :)