Digging deeper

My heart is heavy and emotions are running free tonight as I write this blog. They will be speaking so that my mind can make sense of this mess I've created in myself. Change is happening and will be happening very soon in my life and every day that passes I realize how much I hate it. The people who I have spent most of my seven years here in the States are leaving my life...and its sucks...really badly. I took them for granted and now am getting hit with the fact that I won't have them around to cheer me up or have the stability of knowing that I will see them when I come home. That scares me sooo bad it hurts. It never feels great being left behind...with all the spots around town that are full of memories and little parts of my life. I probably have put way too much of myself into my friendships and now am reaping the consequences of that; but I never would have experienced the awesome times if I hadn't.

How do I deal with this deep ache inside me? Does anyone else feel it? See it? Fear it? Does change bring a shudder to their soul? Where is my faith in all of this? Why am I so defeated by this that even my faith in God leading me into the unknown makes me feel like my life is ending? I never saw myself as someone who gets rocked so hard when change enters their life. This fear of it has only come about once I started college. The break from high school to college was hard for me. And I guess because things that I knew were stable in my life then are coming undone now, so it brings all the emotion back. I'm sure if I dug deep enough I would find that ultimately I do not believe one of God's promises.

I fear digging that deep. I am afraid that if I do that, grieving for something I lost, I might really struggle to get back up. Which is so weird for me to think about...carrie being slightly depressed?? Maybe a year of being by myself has not been as good as I thought. No, it has. I know this is something I need to let God work on in my life. I am just scared to take the next step...it's like once I do, that chapter in my life will finally be closed ending seven years of friendships. And then what? I have nothing after that...and in the deepest part of me I fear that God wants me to go to that place...and place of complete emptiness, that the only thing I have left in my life is Him. Forcing me to finally fully rely on Him. Do I really need to go that far? Is there another way? I search...but probably in vain.