A year and four months…and I am over it.
I dread work. I get irritated by people I’m “forced” to administratively support. The fact that I’m told what to do all day kicks my need to rebel into high gear. I receive no thank-yous. Some people in the office look at me piteously; others don’t see the need to interact unless they need something. Half the time I wonder if the ones who are nice to me only do it because I assist their boss, and they don’t want me saying anything bad about them in front of him. Women here are drivers and dress the part…they mean business. I just don’t share their love for work or being in a cubical for hours a day.
As for being proud of what I do…I don’t have much.
Here’s a list of all the things I did yesterday for $16.41/hour:
-Completed nine Sudoku puzzles
-Listened to one This American Life episode
-Sent six meeting requests - four of which were to my husband
-Sent eight meeting responses - three declines, five accepts
-Sent eight emails - six of which were work related
- Deleted 24 emails
-Cleaned up my hotmail account
-Checked two times during the day if the two requisitions were approved to pay the invoices
-Read a chapter or two in my book club book, The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane
-Put away the office mail into mailboxes
I don’t get it. I have no idea what I should do…my family thinks become a teacher, but even then I’d have to get accredited and what do I do until then? It’s frustrating to be in a job I know a high school student could do. Is it prideful that I want others to see me as an equal?
But what can I do?
I love working with people, in a team, working towards a common goal. I can’t write effectively for a living because I get burnt out in a year and a half (a.k.a. my old job). I love giving advice/listening to people, but am told if I became a counselor I would take the work home with me and I would be a mess. Plus it takes an incredible amount of money to get your degree. I love learning new things, but I know being a perpetual student is just stupid…you can’t stay in school forever.
I hate the fact that I go to work, do measly little things, all the while wishing for the clock to read 5:00pm…so I can get on with my real life. Who wants to waste time like that?! Not me! Life is way too short.
On the flip side, I am thankful that I have a job at all. Especially now during these uncertain economic times. It’s just emotionally tiring to be around people for the majority of your day who really could care less if you died.
But here I sit, and until I know where I’m supposed to go, I will continue to sit in this gray cube, look at my computer screen and listen to the hum of florescent lights and printers. God has not told me where, or what I should pursue, so I have to assume He wants me here.
God give me the desire to love these people, to serve them as if I were serving you, and be content knowing I am in Your will. I need so much help to get past my attitude and put a stopper on all the dreams and wishes bubbling up inside my soul…until You tell me it’s time to let them out…I cannot do this without You anymore…I am too tired.
2 comments:
Reading this, I can completely relate. I think my story is the prequel to your story. One of my most recent struggles over the past few months has been God making me question the plans for the rest of my life.
I finally thought I found majors such as Nursing and Sociology in which I know I could succeed and still enjoy what I'm doing. I started thinking about getting my Master's to be a Family and Marriage Therapist. Once I got to these past few majors, I even felt like I was using my spiritual gifts of compassion, wisdom, and encouragement. But I get to these recent months and realize that this is not where my passion lies.
What gives?
Well, I could see myself teaching, counseling, nursing... as a mom. No matter what field I chose, all of them seemed to be tainted by the corporate monster of greed and self-serving motives. But I could do these jobs the right way! I know my gifts, and selfishly I would like to use them in corporate America so that I can still be viewed as competent and successful! Working odd jobs or being a housewife or stay-at-home mom don't garner much admiration from "outsiders". Plus, my own plan since the beginning of high school has been 1) do well in high school so it looks good to colleges 2) get into a college of my choice, 3) find a career I enjoy that will still provide a respectable income.
Income... hm. Another selfish motive. Especially starting to look at marriage, wow do I start seeing a difference. A man truly has the drive and desire to provide through a career. Ummm... I don't. I don't. Again, when I look at the careers I would possibly pursue, it has nothing to do with providing for someone. It has to do with my interest and gifts and using them in a way I will get recognition.
So where does all this leave me? I wrestle and wrestle with God and say, "Boo, you! I want to do it my way so I get the recognition I feel like I need!"
Then I finally gave up. Whew. So, Aaron and I decided that overall, we will learn to live off of one income, hopefully still below our means. I have discovered that what would truly fulfill all my passions is volunteering in the community and the church and maintaining the house and raising my kids. But what about before kids come along? I work. My income goes toward savings, vacations, gives us some cushion and "couple time". I will be doing what God wants me to do, even if I don't get the recognition I need. This is when I will be in the middle of your very struggle.
My attempt at what you could do?
Work has become your new Phi Mu. You did not have ANYTHING in common with those girls when you first got there. They had different goals than you, they valued different things, etc. But eventually you discovered the similarities and used those to build relationships. It didn't take away the frustration of being in a "foreign/hostile environment", but you slowly began finding the little ways that you could serve. But it was still hard. You got burned out. There were probably times you wanted to look at so many girls and plead with them, "No, that is not what you want. It won't make you happy. It's not worth it. You are pursuing the wrong things." At work, you probably don't have the opportunity to form the intimate relationships you could at Phi Mu. But why would God give you the same challenge twice? Been there, done that. Now you have to figure out how to lose yourself even MORE. Pray for them and love them without forming the relationships. Find one person a week to pray for. Love them when they don't care about you. Like you said, God hasn't told you to move yet. So, yes... you already know - be Christ. Sucky. Who in their right mind wants to be Christ?! Not me, that's for sure. But I have to believe it will be worth it.
Anyway, I will be done. This was really encouraging to me and gave me a lot to think about, so I just hope some little thing I said can at least offer you some comfort.
Carly you are a genius. Thank you so much friend - you hit the nail on the head when it comes to how I should view my job. Why aren't you moving to Orlando again?? ;)
Thank you for the challenge and encouragement for the future. God used you Carly to speak truth to me...I'm so glad we're friends!
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