A year and four months…and I am over it.
I dread work. I get irritated by people I’m “forced” to administratively support. The fact that I’m told what to do all day kicks my need to rebel into high gear. I receive no thank-yous. Some people in the office look at me piteously; others don’t see the need to interact unless they need something. Half the time I wonder if the ones who are nice to me only do it because I assist their boss, and they don’t want me saying anything bad about them in front of him. Women here are drivers and dress the part…they mean business. I just don’t share their love for work or being in a cubical for hours a day.
As for being proud of what I do…I don’t have much.
Here’s a list of all the things I did yesterday for $16.41/hour:
-Completed nine Sudoku puzzles
-Listened to one This American Life episode
-Sent six meeting requests - four of which were to my husband
-Sent eight meeting responses - three declines, five accepts
-Sent eight emails - six of which were work related
- Deleted 24 emails
-Cleaned up my hotmail account
-Checked two times during the day if the two requisitions were approved to pay the invoices
-Read a chapter or two in my book club book, The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane
-Put away the office mail into mailboxes
I don’t get it. I have no idea what I should do…my family thinks become a teacher, but even then I’d have to get accredited and what do I do until then? It’s frustrating to be in a job I know a high school student could do. Is it prideful that I want others to see me as an equal?
But what can I do?
I love working with people, in a team, working towards a common goal. I can’t write effectively for a living because I get burnt out in a year and a half (a.k.a. my old job). I love giving advice/listening to people, but am told if I became a counselor I would take the work home with me and I would be a mess. Plus it takes an incredible amount of money to get your degree. I love learning new things, but I know being a perpetual student is just stupid…you can’t stay in school forever.
I hate the fact that I go to work, do measly little things, all the while wishing for the clock to read 5:00pm…so I can get on with my real life. Who wants to waste time like that?! Not me! Life is way too short.
On the flip side, I am thankful that I have a job at all. Especially now during these uncertain economic times. It’s just emotionally tiring to be around people for the majority of your day who really could care less if you died.
But here I sit, and until I know where I’m supposed to go, I will continue to sit in this gray cube, look at my computer screen and listen to the hum of florescent lights and printers. God has not told me where, or what I should pursue, so I have to assume He wants me here.
God give me the desire to love these people, to serve them as if I were serving you, and be content knowing I am in Your will. I need so much help to get past my attitude and put a stopper on all the dreams and wishes bubbling up inside my soul…until You tell me it’s time to let them out…I cannot do this without You anymore…I am too tired.
