Sick Cycle Carousel

God,

It's so frustrating to know that the only reason I don't have a close relationship with You right now is because I messed up. I ran away from Your embrace, and I chose to not respond to You calling my name. I feel like I will never be able to keep my relationship with You steady...I will always fail, disappoint myself, and treat You like scum and as an after-thought. I can't even do the basics...pray and read my Bible. I completely forgot about You yesterday...the only time I even thought about You was in the evening when I saw the fall leaves...that scares me. Deep down I want You to be the center of my life, my only Comfort, my Friend, Confidant, Father. I want to think about You all the time, walk with praise on my lips for You...so why do I reject You, feel scared to come before You, and feel as though I need to know all of my sin and confess it all to You for You to even look at me? or hear my prayer? Why do I constantly feel selfish in my prayers and then chastise myself mentally for even asking You at all?

I have created my own religion and it sucks! Lord help me out! I need to be free in Your embrace again, free in Your arms and free under Your wing. Help my soul find You once more and free it from my clutches. Teach me to dance and sing again. Teach my heart to beat again, to feel You again. Teach my eyes to see You and my ears to hear Your still small voice. Let my hands and feet walk and serve You, Lord. Replenish my dry and weary mind...cleanse me from my sin and renew my relationship with You. I have made You into a project, a task, and a to-do list item. I have diminished You into a vending machine and a distant being that does not care about me or what I do.

I'm sorry Lord...Break me. Show me my need for Your grace and mercy in my life. Show me how much I need a Savior, so that I will never be tempted to ignore Your voice again like I have recently. I love You Lord, even out of this selfish sin-infested heart...You have granted me the ability to love You. So I choose to be with You, and not myself. I want to be Your daughter, to live like a servant to Your will, and as a woman who earnestly seeks You.

In Jesus Name,
Amen