its so funny how much your spiritual life can flip flop from one extreme to the other...in a matter of hours. its actually not funny at all, its obnoxious. i get so frustrated with myself everytime i am in a supposed "problem." its like during those times a wall forms between my mind and my heart and all the things i know in my head...all the scripture, common sense...they get trapped and cannot get down to my heart where it would sink deep into my soul...and actually help me. so i end up just sitting there apathetic...because there's this wall around my heart...knowing the right answer, knowing the right thing to do, but not being able to bring myself to do it. or have enough passion, faith, and hope to do it. ugh. its those times where i plead with God to pierce my walls of apathy...to crush them down and let His Spirit invade my stone heart. but i find that sometimes He doesnt answer my prayer...and that pretty much was my last year in college. this battle between my apathy, and my want for a deep close relationship with God...but being frustrated that God wasn't doing what I thought I needed.

I truly have this desire to have an intimate relationship with God...i can feel my need for it. i feel my soul yearning for it...crying out to God for it. but for some reason...my body refuses to comply. yes i know there is a constant battle going on inside of us. flesh against the spirit. but why does it feel like the flesh is winning too much lately? isn't the spirit supposed to win a lot? or am I doing something wrong in my walk with Him? how can i spark passion into my life again? whats the solution? then again...i know that when I try to do things myself it fails. but then when i give it up to God i feel like nothing is done about it. does God want me to be apathetic right now? am i just kidding myself? am i really more messed up that i even realize? so then i pray again...that God would show me what is wrong...but then again. silence. God where is Your voice?

i continue to talk to Him, because I believe in His promise that He does listen to His children. And there are times when i do see His hand....I'm just being a selfish child and wishing for a more personal touch. One that will shake me to the core...and shatter these walls around my heart. wake me up inside.

and then when i sit here and think about it...He does show Himself to me...in little ways...ways that He knows only I would notice. like in the rain outside my window right now. i saw His awesome power in the black rolling clouds this afternoon that were reflected in the lake water as it turned dark. His provision in the turtle i saw eat some bread at work. I even saw a glimpse of His unconditional love for me in my faithful dog Sarsi (she followed me everywhere in the house this evening, and sat outside my door when i was changing!) He even is giving me money for a project i'm going to in July...its amazing how I can pretty much be a brat to Him and demand things of Him, and He continues to give me things....knowing that I probably will miss half of them...and continue to complain. He gave me private scholorships for college...through people that didn't have to support me...but are joyfully doing so.

and here i am having a problem at work...feeling patronized by my supervisor, unproductive, useless, and totally and completely bored...totally self-focused, self-motivated, and in a bad mood. Not being humble or meek...desiring equality...resisting my supervisor's authority. all the while thinking i was being all spiritual giving control up of my life to the Holy Spirit during my morning devos...when in reality...i was controlling myself and putting on my 'spiritual coat' against the HLE weather. (going with the quote for this blog). My mom told me to think about how much Jesus was patronized, and humiliated during his whole ordeal down here on earth. yes at first i bucked at the thought...because here again was the answer i knew in my head...but i did think about it. and it is really humbling to think about....Paul even urged the philippians:
"have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality w/ God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant..."
Jesus, the creator, was mocked my his own creation, humiliated, treated like crap pretty much, and worse. but He resisted the urge for equality, and instead gave up more of Himself, chose to trust God, and lived. and i didn't have it half as bad as He did, and I still have problems with this concept! how sad is that. i know i'm a work in progress...and I'm grateful for God's grace and patience with me. Thank you Father for not giving up on me. and for having a plan for my life and promising to be faithful to complete it.

I found this verse...sorta cool after what i just said...
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances." -Ezekiel 36: 26-27