What I Learned During the First Trimester...

• It is possible to get sick in your car, while driving on the interstate at 70 miles an hour, one handed with a publix bag next to your face, and still not make it into the bag but all over the front of your shirt and seatbelt.

• A task as simple as loading the dishwasher can trigger your gag reflex so bad that you have to run to the bathroom and then ask your husband to finish cleaning the dishes.

• You have to “unlearn” the way you deal with stomach queeziness because normally if you feel sick, you don’t eat anything or just have 7-Up and crackers. But during pregnancy, eating protein and whole grain every few hours could mean the difference between a good or a bad day.

• Feeling tired is taken to a whole new level – a night’s rest never feels long enough

• Coffee does not sound good at all - shocker I know.

• Vegetables do not sound good.

• Fruit and fruit snacks, however, are God’s gift to my stomach.

• You begin to hate eating because it either goes well for a few hours or comes back up in 20 minutes.

• You gain a super power: acute smell, which is a blessing and a curse. A blessing when you smell a nice flower or perfume...a curse when your work cafeteria cooks vegetarian meat products for breakfast that smell like a landfill and cause you to gag all the way down the hall to your cubical.

Takes the Cake

I had the strangest pregnancy conversation today that by the end of it I felt as though I had really upset my coworker (who I have had maybe three conversations with the 3 ½ years I’ve been at the company) and that pregnancy was something you could catch like cancer and could have serious consequences for my boss...

Setting: During the marketing department monthly staff meeting while in line waiting for an omlete.

[Side Note: Usually when attending marketing staff meetings you can expect to find hard folding chairs, cold air-conditioning, no food or coffee service for the 8am meeting. This time there was a hot breakfast and drink station set up with round tables and cookies at each place setting. Would’ve been nice to know beforehand...but regardless I still was able to eat a second breakfast :) ]

Here’s how the convo played out:

Male co-worker: (after staring at me, then at my name tag) Carrie! I had no idea you were pregnant!

Carrie: (noticed the shock on his face and have no idea what his name is) Yeah, thanks! I am!

Male co-worker: Wow, you’re pregnant...(still full shock on his face) What is Josef going to do without you?

Carrie: ...uh...(trying to gage whether this guy is for real or just joking)...oh he’ll survive! [enter nervous laughter here]

Male co-worker: (with a look of concern on his face) What will he do?

Carrie: (realizing this guy may be seriously asking the question) He’ll be fine. He’ll be ok.

Male co-worker: How did this happen?

Carrie: (hoping for his sake that he doesn’t realize how he’s coming across) ...well...I’m due April 30, so if you subtract nine months from that...[more strained laughter]

Male co-worker: (incredulous look on his face) April 30!? Wow I didn’t know at all!

Carrie: I didn’t send out a mass email about it or anything...I mean I did mention it at Energizers a few months ago...

Male co-worker: Man, I just didn’t know you were pregnant.

Carrie: [doesn't know what to say so smiles and takes her omlete and leaves for her table]

AWKWARD!!!

Entering a Strange New World

Lookout! Dan and I are “parents in the making,” and have entered a whole new world…one filled with car seats, strollers, cribs, advice and opinions, and lots and lots of commercialism. Ready or not, here we go.

Ava

Ava went to be with the Lord on Sunday, September 5, 2010. She was only five years old and was battling a very aggressive and rare form of brain cancer called GBM. Ten weeks ago the doctors gave her 18 months, then a few weeks later they said two months, then a few weeks later there was nothing more they could do.

Ten weeks ago when I found out I researched GBM. What I read put chills in my heart - this disease is very, very rare in children and mostly attacks adults in their 30s - 60s. I found out that everyone who is diagnosed with this has two years max and most die before that mark. I was furious.

Why God? Why a child?! Why this little girl? Don't You know she wants to grow up and go to prom or get married some day? Don't you know that she is an innocent little girl, not someone who deserves to die? This isn't the way it is supposed to happen...children are not supposed to die before their parents. How am I supposed to trust a God who puts a girl into the world only to give her horrible cancer and take her out of it again in five years? What kind of a gift is that to the parents? Here's a child, oh, just kidding. It's so twisted.

But God grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let me stew in my thoughts. He reminded me that He did not design the world to be this way. Partings are not part of God's plan. He loves His creation, His children. His heart breaks when He sees us in pain. He is right there with Ava through all her struggles and fears. He is there with her family as they trudge through the fog of uncertainty and despair. He is with me as I struggle with my own faith to understand why.

My first instinct was to run away from this. Our culture hides death very well, and if it is seen, it's on the big screen and either glorified, or flashes in a few scenes and then goes away. So I forced myself to face this head on. I printed a photo of her and put it in my cubical, I prayed for her on my ride home, I read her father's blog posts every morning and let myself ask God questions and challenge my faith.

Slowly the Lord brought me to a place of trust. Through Ava and her Dad, I was able to see that He was there with them. He was orchestrating all of this for a purpose. He wasn't absent or sitting back and taking some maniacal pleasure out of her pain. God knows us intimately, He hears our thoughts before we even realize them, He's numbered our days before there was even one of them. He had a purpose for Ava.

On Sunday at church we sang this song and at that moment God gave me peace about Ava. He had her in the palm of His hand. I did not know that it would be her last day on earth, but God gave me peace and said to my soul, "I know Ava, I created her, I love her and will care for her all the days of her life and after death. She is my daughter and will enjoy Me forever with no pain or suffering."

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea,
A great High Priest whose name is “Love,”
Whoever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heav’n He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me,
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless Righteousness,
The great unchangable I Am,
The King of glory and of grace!

One with Himself I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood;
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God,
With Christ my savior and my God.

Thank you Ava and thank you Hunter family for being so open about your struggles and faith. You helped strengthen my own faith and gave me yet another reason to yearn for the time when this world will pass and all will become new.