Entering a Strange New World

Lookout! Dan and I are “parents in the making,” and have entered a whole new world…one filled with car seats, strollers, cribs, advice and opinions, and lots and lots of commercialism. Ready or not, here we go.

Ava

Ava went to be with the Lord on Sunday, September 5, 2010. She was only five years old and was battling a very aggressive and rare form of brain cancer called GBM. Ten weeks ago the doctors gave her 18 months, then a few weeks later they said two months, then a few weeks later there was nothing more they could do.

Ten weeks ago when I found out I researched GBM. What I read put chills in my heart - this disease is very, very rare in children and mostly attacks adults in their 30s - 60s. I found out that everyone who is diagnosed with this has two years max and most die before that mark. I was furious.

Why God? Why a child?! Why this little girl? Don't You know she wants to grow up and go to prom or get married some day? Don't you know that she is an innocent little girl, not someone who deserves to die? This isn't the way it is supposed to happen...children are not supposed to die before their parents. How am I supposed to trust a God who puts a girl into the world only to give her horrible cancer and take her out of it again in five years? What kind of a gift is that to the parents? Here's a child, oh, just kidding. It's so twisted.

But God grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let me stew in my thoughts. He reminded me that He did not design the world to be this way. Partings are not part of God's plan. He loves His creation, His children. His heart breaks when He sees us in pain. He is right there with Ava through all her struggles and fears. He is there with her family as they trudge through the fog of uncertainty and despair. He is with me as I struggle with my own faith to understand why.

My first instinct was to run away from this. Our culture hides death very well, and if it is seen, it's on the big screen and either glorified, or flashes in a few scenes and then goes away. So I forced myself to face this head on. I printed a photo of her and put it in my cubical, I prayed for her on my ride home, I read her father's blog posts every morning and let myself ask God questions and challenge my faith.

Slowly the Lord brought me to a place of trust. Through Ava and her Dad, I was able to see that He was there with them. He was orchestrating all of this for a purpose. He wasn't absent or sitting back and taking some maniacal pleasure out of her pain. God knows us intimately, He hears our thoughts before we even realize them, He's numbered our days before there was even one of them. He had a purpose for Ava.

On Sunday at church we sang this song and at that moment God gave me peace about Ava. He had her in the palm of His hand. I did not know that it would be her last day on earth, but God gave me peace and said to my soul, "I know Ava, I created her, I love her and will care for her all the days of her life and after death. She is my daughter and will enjoy Me forever with no pain or suffering."

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea,
A great High Priest whose name is “Love,”
Whoever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heav’n He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me,
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless Righteousness,
The great unchangable I Am,
The King of glory and of grace!

One with Himself I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood;
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God,
With Christ my savior and my God.

Thank you Ava and thank you Hunter family for being so open about your struggles and faith. You helped strengthen my own faith and gave me yet another reason to yearn for the time when this world will pass and all will become new.

The King over Earthly Kings

I've had a goal for awhile now to read through the Bible from Genesis to Revelation but earlier this year I stopped reading after Ruth. Yesterday I picked up again and read 1 Samuel 1 - 8. Then stopped - chapter eight was very interesting. This is where Israel asks Samuel to appoint a king to rule over them.

"So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. They said to him, "You are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways; now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have." (1 Sam. 8:4-5)

Why would they decide to ask for a king now, when all throughout the years God has provided everything they needed? What made them believe He was not enough for them? The more I thought about it, the more I realized the people did not think about all that God had done for them, but had turned their eyes towards other nations and made their lives the standard. Israel wanted to be like other nations and have a physical leader they could look to - they did not want to stand out. They trusted in what they thought was right - men leading men, and not what God desired - men trusting God and following His ways.

So Samuel warned them what reality would look like with a human king:

-Sons taken for war, to reap the harvest
-Daughters taken for the king's court and kitchen
-Crops and cattle taken as taxes for the king
-The best servants taken to serve the king

"But the people refused to listen to Samuel. "No!" they said. "We want a king over us. Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles." (1 Sam. 8:19-20)

What a lousy excuse. To go before them and fight their battles?! Really? You don't think that the whole old testament up and to this point had story after story of "...and the Lord went before them and destroyed their enemies..." and yet that was their excuse. How horrible was it to have God as their King?

-He loves them and wants them to succeed
-He owns everything already, so doesn't need to take servants or taxes
-He controls every earthly king
-He has been faithful to bring justice, grace and mercy to them in the past.
-He demands that they stay true to the covenant He made with them.

At this point I could have stopped and said, "How silly Israelites...come on, who the heck would trade an earthly king for the King of the Universe?!"

And yet...it is so easy to see Israel's situation as simple, but am I really that different? How many times do I think my ideas or decisions are better than His? Who do I trust in a majority of the time, men? Or a holy God?

But even with their disobedience God was able to redeem them. He chose Saul to be their king. Then God chose David, the son of Jesse.


Romans 15:12 (NIV)

And again, Isaiah says,
"The Root of Jesse will spring up,
one who will arise to rule over the nations;
the Gentiles will hope in him."

Double Love

I’ve been reading “The Silent Seduction of Self-Talk” with my friend Carly. Usually I have no problem reading books, as a former literature major my favorite past-time is reading. However, I have a weakness when it comes to Christian non-fiction...I cannot seem to finish them after I start. So having Carly read this one with me has forced me to continue through the book to the end. The chapter we are in speaks on doubt – doubting God, His truth, His character, His promises and His plan for our lives. But one passage stopped me in my tracks:

“We must become committed to living out the double love command, a lifestyle that places love for God first and love of others second out of our overflow of God’s love. We must learn to walk moment by moment in faith and repentance and to say no to temptations to choose selfishly.”

How do I choose to love God first before loving others? It’s so easy to love others and say “oh yeah, I love God.” But what does it look like – practically – to love God first? I think it means to give up my daily comforts that draw me into spiritual passivity. It means lots of little choices that add up to daily habits. It means getting up early or leaving my desk at lunch or hiding away in another room in the evening just to spend time with God every day. It means turning off the television/radio/computer when I hear Him calling me to dwell with Him.

It means putting Him first before my husband – something that will probably cause me to feel like I’m being selfish, a bad wife, or guilty over not being with him in the evening. When you love someone you want to be near them. You want to spend all of your extra time with them. You think about them throughout the day. Certain things will trigger a memory with them and you will smile. The more I think about it, the more I realize I love my husband more than I love God. The choice to either read Scripture or walk out of this room and dance with my husband to country music is easy...I would pick my husband. It hurts my heart, but it is true right now.

But in the long run this choice to put God above all else will improve my marriage, friendships, outlook on life, and ultimately my character. I will know Him deeply. I will run to Him first when I feel scared or troubled. I will be able to fight the lies that creep into my head and the temptations to doubt my Savior. What a reward to gain! Yes – this is what I will choose. Lord, help me choose You first. Help me make the small decisions that will ultimately be for my good. Draw me to yourself and teach me your promises and shower me with Your love.

Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
–Psalm 25:4-5