ok so i've been in the direct sun for the past two days here on project. on Monday we (meaning half the staff team and the senior high students) went to a ranch in Estes Park and i wore a tank top and only put sunscreen on my face....bad idea. yeah i was a little pink from that excursion. but hey i had a lot of fun. i met seven girls on my bus that i co-captained...(if that is a word) with Joel. that was fun. our bus was only half full so it was a nice group just to joke around with and bond together. aw! hahaha. then we got to the ranch and i pretty much hung out with lots of different groups. i played a couple rounds of Nerts with some. cheered on a volleyball game with others. and sadly my team lost but they did try....out of three games they one once. oh well. ;) then we had lunch and that was exciting. this ranch place had this wolf looking dog just wandering around...it was a bit discomforting. i mean the thing was really nice and stuff but it is sorta strange to see students sitting on the ground with this wolf staring at their food as they eat it. i dunno it sort freaked me out. but anyways...i also got to go to downtown Estes with a group of guys and Janell--a girl on the project. they all wanted to go to DQ so we invaded the little ice cream store and hung out in the air-con for awhile. then we found this stream-lake thing that formed from mountain snow run off....it was freezing. but i love it! on the way back to the ranch we stopped in this glass-blowing store. we were fortunate enough to watch this guy make an ornament and a bowl. liquid glass is soooo fascinating!! it looks and acts just like thick syrup or caramel. so we got a little souvenier from the guy (free i might add!!). it was awesome.

yesterday we (meaning all of us jr. and sr. high) went to Water World. which for all you Orlando people is a tamed down version of Wet n Wild. sometimes i realize how spoiled we are to live in a city that has like every amusement park created. it was an ok park. the worst part i think about it was the fact that they i guess don't understand the concept of having the floaty things brought up to the ride on a pulley system. we had to carry all the tubes to the tops of these hills to be able to go down the ride. it was a little ridiculous. i know some of you are thinking "wow she's lazy." but ok if you think....at Wet n Wild the only tubes you carry with you are either two seater or one seater ones....now this place you were carrying the four seater huge round ones....yeah. exactly pretty akward if you ask me. ;) but i still had fun anyway! i have definitely decided that i LOVE water parks. they are my favorite!! well the best story ever happened yesterday. two of my friends on the project Mike and Kevin were on a two-seater innertube and going down a ride that is just a twisted closed off tube...sorta like the Black Hole at Wet n Wild except not dark. well they were going down and the tube flipped over. kevin couldn't hang on and just kept going down the ride. mike got back on the tube and kept going. well at the end kevin pops out and the life guard asks him where his tube is. just as he is telling the guy he has no idea...mike on the tube rushes down and runs him over! hahahahaha. it was the funniest thing i have ever heard! who in the world gets run over my an innertube?? come on! hahahaha. we definately had muchos of laughter over that story. i wasn't even there to witness it...if i had been i probably would have died from laughing! i still laugh now thinking about it! anyways...my friends want me to go now. so i'll write more later about the trip! not that any of my friends really keep up with reading this thing. oh well! ;) j/k

did you know that you can send fun-noodles in the mail?? isn't that crazy? all you have to do is pay for the weight of the fun-noodle with the marker on it...which isn't very heavy and send it in the mail! hahahaha. how great is that? debby--one of the staff members here on project with us introduced me to this concept. she said that her friend sent bouncy balls last year to all her friends. imagine getting a bouncy ball in the mail with a letter on it! then i talked to michelle b. and she said that she's sent coconuts in the mail too!! i think i'm going to have to catch a ride on this crazy train. ;)

i am having so much fun here in colorado! The project people are awesome. :) there are so many from all over the US. Ohio is the popular state though...i think there are about four or five peeps from there...but there are three of us from Orlando, besides Michelle D. and Brian G. we have focused a lot on building our team unity and strengthening our walks with God. this week though is when everything is supposed to pick up speed. today we already went out with the kids and played capture the flag and a couple other games. it was awesome! they seem like fun. :)

one of the first bonding experiences we had as a team was climbing a mountain called Horsetooth. It was two miles straight up! and i'm proud to say that i did it all the way. of course i was out of breath at points, but my florida lungs prevailed! it was so pretty up there...the view. oh man. God is definitely evident here in the scenery of colorado.

this past weekend we went on a retreat to a ski lodge. we had great accomodations...these chalets with hot tubs in them! of course the one that was in our chalet didn't work! hahaha. Mandie (amanda), kristina, Sota (a.k.a. angela), Shara, and Debby all stayed in "my" chalet. while here we had Bert Robinson come and speak to us. it was exactly what i needed. out in the mountains away from florida and the business of CSU....i had great times with God. on the way to the resort we crossed the continental divide. and passed gorgeous mountains. we stopped to eat lunch at this little ranch style place at Trailridge mountain. which is a little over 12,000 feet high! I defintely saw snow and elk! it was crazy. i was freezing and it was in July! only in colorado! hahaha. we also past this lake that really was big and very deep. water was soo blue. guess what it was called?? Grand Lake. how funny is that?? very creative and explainatory! hahaha. anyways. we also spent the 4th of July on the retreat. we went back to Grand Lake and watched them go off. it wasn't the best show, just cause we were so far away. but still you can't beat the view! the day after we watched fireworks from our little resort thing. it was the end of some jazz festival. so God was good to us. that was one of the best shows i'd ever seen. we were sooo close to them and they were enormous!

well i'll write more later. i just didn't want to forget some of these things.

its so funny how much your spiritual life can flip flop from one extreme to the other...in a matter of hours. its actually not funny at all, its obnoxious. i get so frustrated with myself everytime i am in a supposed "problem." its like during those times a wall forms between my mind and my heart and all the things i know in my head...all the scripture, common sense...they get trapped and cannot get down to my heart where it would sink deep into my soul...and actually help me. so i end up just sitting there apathetic...because there's this wall around my heart...knowing the right answer, knowing the right thing to do, but not being able to bring myself to do it. or have enough passion, faith, and hope to do it. ugh. its those times where i plead with God to pierce my walls of apathy...to crush them down and let His Spirit invade my stone heart. but i find that sometimes He doesnt answer my prayer...and that pretty much was my last year in college. this battle between my apathy, and my want for a deep close relationship with God...but being frustrated that God wasn't doing what I thought I needed.

I truly have this desire to have an intimate relationship with God...i can feel my need for it. i feel my soul yearning for it...crying out to God for it. but for some reason...my body refuses to comply. yes i know there is a constant battle going on inside of us. flesh against the spirit. but why does it feel like the flesh is winning too much lately? isn't the spirit supposed to win a lot? or am I doing something wrong in my walk with Him? how can i spark passion into my life again? whats the solution? then again...i know that when I try to do things myself it fails. but then when i give it up to God i feel like nothing is done about it. does God want me to be apathetic right now? am i just kidding myself? am i really more messed up that i even realize? so then i pray again...that God would show me what is wrong...but then again. silence. God where is Your voice?

i continue to talk to Him, because I believe in His promise that He does listen to His children. And there are times when i do see His hand....I'm just being a selfish child and wishing for a more personal touch. One that will shake me to the core...and shatter these walls around my heart. wake me up inside.

and then when i sit here and think about it...He does show Himself to me...in little ways...ways that He knows only I would notice. like in the rain outside my window right now. i saw His awesome power in the black rolling clouds this afternoon that were reflected in the lake water as it turned dark. His provision in the turtle i saw eat some bread at work. I even saw a glimpse of His unconditional love for me in my faithful dog Sarsi (she followed me everywhere in the house this evening, and sat outside my door when i was changing!) He even is giving me money for a project i'm going to in July...its amazing how I can pretty much be a brat to Him and demand things of Him, and He continues to give me things....knowing that I probably will miss half of them...and continue to complain. He gave me private scholorships for college...through people that didn't have to support me...but are joyfully doing so.

and here i am having a problem at work...feeling patronized by my supervisor, unproductive, useless, and totally and completely bored...totally self-focused, self-motivated, and in a bad mood. Not being humble or meek...desiring equality...resisting my supervisor's authority. all the while thinking i was being all spiritual giving control up of my life to the Holy Spirit during my morning devos...when in reality...i was controlling myself and putting on my 'spiritual coat' against the HLE weather. (going with the quote for this blog). My mom told me to think about how much Jesus was patronized, and humiliated during his whole ordeal down here on earth. yes at first i bucked at the thought...because here again was the answer i knew in my head...but i did think about it. and it is really humbling to think about....Paul even urged the philippians:
"have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality w/ God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant..."
Jesus, the creator, was mocked my his own creation, humiliated, treated like crap pretty much, and worse. but He resisted the urge for equality, and instead gave up more of Himself, chose to trust God, and lived. and i didn't have it half as bad as He did, and I still have problems with this concept! how sad is that. i know i'm a work in progress...and I'm grateful for God's grace and patience with me. Thank you Father for not giving up on me. and for having a plan for my life and promising to be faithful to complete it.

I found this verse...sorta cool after what i just said...
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances." -Ezekiel 36: 26-27